That's right my little chickadees. Yer ole pal the Headhunter is now spearheading his own personal advice column! Having trouble with your friends? Your coworkers don't appreciate you? Your girlfriend dumped you? Your parents can't understand why you enjoy fingering the family cat? Well tell the Headhunter your problems and he'll be sure to set you on the straight and narrow. Remember folks; NO problem is too big that you can't talk about it on the Internet.

Let's see what Heady's got in his mailbox today shall we?

Dear Heady,

My name is Clarence G Honeycutt. I am in the birth-stages of beginning an illustrious career as a psychopathic slasher. Any advice you can give for the neophyte psychopaths of the world?

Clarence G Honeycutt
St. Louis, Missouri

So you wanna be a slasher ala Michael Myers and Leatherface eh, Clarence? Well for starters, the first thing you gotta do is change your name. The name Clarence G Honeycutt simply doesn't inspire fear and terror in would-be victims. Sure, it might make your job a bit easier…as your victims will be too busy laughing at "Deadly Clarence" to be able to execute a successful escape. But is that really how you want your psycho-killer reputation to get off the ground? No, I would suggest picking up a manlier sounding moniker like Butch Mason or Jack Crow or something like that. People will take you more seriously. It also wouldn't hurt to come up with a fancy sounding "newspaper" name from which you can be more easily identified. Look what it did for Leatherface? Wrestlers do this sort of shit all the time and it works wonders. I bet nobody EVER laughs at "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan or the "Undertaker"! You just gotta coin yourself a name that has something to do with your modus operandi. And by God, if you even THINK of using the name "Headhunter", then you and I are going to have words my friend. I would also suggest coming up with a decent WOC that hasn't been over-used yet. (WOC = Weapon Of Choice). Obviously, butcher knives and Chainsaws have been done to death, so I wouldn't recommend either of those. How about a tomahawk? Or a cordless drill? Garden shears would make for some interesting body wounds as well. The point is, be creative! Keep a stiff upper lip, and don't let anybody tell you that you can't fulfill your dreams. Good luck buddy.

Sincerely,
The Headhunter

 

Hellooooooo Headhunter

Do you like scary movies? What's your favorite scary movie? Can I have your phone number?

GF
Woodsboro, California

Okay, this is really pathetic dude. The whole "Scream" thing died out like five years ago okay dicklicker? See…what makes the whole Ghostface gig so sad, is the fact that you don't even have super-powers. You can't come back from the dead; you can't shake off a couple rounds of police issue .38 caliber slugs and you can't deliver your spirit into the body of a Good Guy doll. Couple that with the fact that you needed a partner to work with you, and you STILL weren't able to nail that bitch Sydney Prescott! Seriously, how lame is that? Real men work alone. Jason and Freddy never needed partners. You never saw anyone holding Michael Myers' hand. Candyman sure as fuck didn't have a sidekick. If you ever expect to get anywhere in this world, you need to grab the bull by the horns. Take initiative! Don't wait around for somebody to get your back, because the minute that you do - they'll begin scheming up the best ways in which to stab you in it.

Oh, and to answer your lame questions:
Yes, Hellraiser and 1-800-GOFUCKYOURSELF.

Have a nice life, assface.

Sincerely,
The Headhunter

Well Amy, for starters let me just say that I like you already. And your boyfriend likes you too, no question about it. You just continue to do what you've been doing and everything will work itself out fine. Remember, nobody likes a spitter. Spitting is rude.

Sincerely,
The Headhunter

And here's one from Toby Gillis (Age 13)

Well Toby, the first thing you should do is get hooked on phonics. I think you'll find that life is sweeter when approached with proper grammar. Now as for this girl problem; let her go. This is not a side effect of puberty.  It's pretty obvious that you're a werewolf. Don't believe me? Go watch the Wolf Man. It is clearly shown that a werewolf will see the image of the pentagram appearing on the palm of their next victim's hand. Best thing for you to do is to find a silver bullet and take care of this issue straight away. But make sure you're far out in the woods when you do yourself in. We don't want your parents coming home to find a bloody mess on the carpet now would we?

Sincerely,
The Headhunter

And here's one that shows that even people from other countries can benefit from the Headhunter's guidance as well.

Dear Heady

My name is Doctor Hans Güterschwein. I have been conducting extensive genetic research on the local wildlife in the southern region of Borneo. However, after several weeks of intensive study, I was amazed to discover that a thirty-five-foot 400-pound Orb-Weaver spider (Arachnis Araneae) has been threatening the nearby village. I have become concerned for my own safety. Any advice you can offer regarding this perilous dilemma will be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely
Doctor Hans Güterschwein MD
Hamburg, Germany
(By way of southern Borneo)

Well doc, chances are, you are probably already dead. You see, everyone knows that LAN lines don't work for shit in southern Borneo. When I saw your email in my in-box it indicated that you sent this on March 3rd 2001. Well it is now early 2003 and I just got your message yesterday. So by this point, I think it is safe to assume that you have long since left this Earth to be with your ancestors. Fortunately Hans, you included your home address in the original email so I at least know where to send the flowers. And by the way…what the fuck is it with you German guys and genetic experimentation? Didn't you numbskulls learn ANYTHING after World War II? Quit fucking around with that stuff!

Sincerely,
The Headhunter

And of course, one of THESE types of letters is bound to show up from time to time.

Dear Heady,

I am the vampire Velestros. The dark tears that run down my aquiline face cry oceans of torment. My chest beats with a heart that has no blood; only sorrow. Your voice is the only thing that soothes the aching melancholy that fills the days and nights of my tomorrow. Join me and together we shall explore the byways of darkness and take each other to new levels of beloved black rapture."

Velestros
New Orleans, Louisiana